I wish I was better at cultivating motivation. Some nights I swear I come home from work, let my dogs out, heat up a burrito and lay in bed with my computer from that moment until I wake up the next day. I do absolutely nothing aside from reading my rss feed, watching TV I’m not even interested in on ABC.com (Wipeout is kind of addictive) and perhaps chat with Ravi if I am lucky. I am having trouble getting myself out of this funk. At this very moment I have a tripod commission to complete, one squid trade and two squid commissions to complete. I am terrible! I just get so.. I don’t even know if I can call it depressed anymore. I am not exactly depressed. I am more apathetic than anything. I’m without my muse. And I am also heart wrenchingly lonely. This is the longest I have ever gone living alone, and it is terrible.

I must force myself to do something. I must plush tonight. This is getting out of hand, my dears.

I do have veggie hotdogs to look forward to tonight. I just need to buy ketchup. And perhaps an onion.

Here’s a recent GIANT gangly plush squid commission I just finished. The photo below is a size comparison to the last squid I made. Phew, I worked right up to the deadline, but I was really pleased with how he turned out. I wish I wasn’t in such a hurry and had taken better photos. I was rushing to the post so I didn’t bother to change the background.

In other news, if you are waiting on a commission from me, FEAR NOT! I am working HARDER, BETTER, FASTER… to get everything done so that I can actually make some stock (hopefully squiddys!) for my shop.

Why does this dress have to be $36? I really want it.

a photo one of Ravi’s friends took of him in Jim Corbett park in India. Click the picture for a little more info on flickr.

Sometimes when I see happy people, or I read the blogs of people who appear to be happy it makes me feel sick inside. I guess this is probably jealousy…  I want to wake up in the morning and feel joy in my heart. Or at the very least feel content where I’m at.  I just feel like nothing I do is ever going to make that happen. I feel so stuck in the situation I am in… and it is true. I cannot physically make happen what I want to.  It is so frustrating. Sigh….

In other news I cleaned my kitchen tonight. It is not completely done, but it felt really good to make a dent in part of the mess that is my house and life. When everything is this messy, it makes you feel even more out of control than you actually are.  I just wish I felt stability… and I don’t know.. is it wrong to feel like I deserve to be happy?