I think, for sure, I must be bi-polar. That or my life justs happens to go from happy to miserable to okay to horrible over and over and over. Although, I must say, I think I am AMAZING at hiding this fact from people. I think, on the outside, I appear to be a perfectly cheerful person most of the time. I’m guessing the only person who really knows that I am unhappy (because I tell him so) is Ravi, and I’m guessing he just thinks I am being dramatic and doesn’t really believe me.
I know I’ve said it on this blog before, but I am so very unhappy in Tucson. Very displeased. I spend pretty much every single night of the week alone. Probably two to three times a month I either go out with one of my few friends or a random person I’ve meet from craigslist or some other place. I am not an alone-all-the-time type of person. Since I was seventeen I’ve fallen asleep in someone’s arms almost every night. Which is not to say I don’t like to be alone sometimes. During the time I dated Ravi, he often went home to a week or two (sometimes even longer) and some of that time alone was very nice indeed. And of course once we were reunited, it was AMAZING.
But at this point, my life has very little meaning. The only times I’ve been able to sew were because I had a deadline that I had to meet for something or the other. And pretty much the only thing that keeps me from feeling sorry for myself is reading the news and reminding myself that I have no right to be unhappy when so many other people in the world are suffering so much more than I ever will.
But every time I look back on the last two years of my life, I feel sorrow. So many things have gone wrong or haven’t turned out the way that I wanted them to. I feel like many times when I put a lot of effort into something (or someone) I feel passionate about, things go wrong.
I hate feeling emotional so much, I hate crying on my own so often, and I wish I could fix it. I’m sure people who know me, but don’t know the whole story, think I’ve brought this upon myself. And perhaps that is true. But we have to follow our hearts, we have to be young and stupid and make mistakes and learn and grow. I suppose I will dig myself out of this funk. I told Ravi in an e-mail the other day that I felt like I had gone off the deep end. Well, at least I am a good swimmer.
And I’m not trying to get a pity party, but sometimes it really feels good to say it out in the open and not just in an e-mail to your boyfriend who never responds to your e-mails anyway.
