I think, for sure, I must be bi-polar. That or my life justs happens to go from happy to miserable to okay to horrible over and over and over. Although, I must say, I think I am AMAZING at hiding this fact from people. I think, on the outside, I appear to be a perfectly cheerful person most of the time. I’m guessing the only person who really knows that I am unhappy (because I tell him so) is Ravi, and I’m guessing he just thinks I am being dramatic and doesn’t really believe me.

I know I’ve said it on this blog before, but I am so very unhappy in Tucson. Very displeased. I spend pretty much every single night of the week alone. Probably two to three times a month I either go out with one of my few friends or a random person I’ve meet from craigslist or some other place. I am not an alone-all-the-time type of person. Since I was seventeen I’ve fallen asleep in someone’s arms almost every night. Which is not to say I don’t like to be alone sometimes. During the time I dated Ravi, he often went home to a week or two (sometimes even longer) and some of that time alone was very nice indeed. And of course once we were reunited, it was AMAZING.

But at this point, my life has very little meaning. The only times I’ve been able to sew were because I had a deadline that I had to meet for something or the other. And pretty much the only thing that keeps me from feeling sorry for myself is reading the news and reminding myself that I have no right to be unhappy when so many other people in the world are suffering so much more than I ever will.

But every time I look back on the last two years of my life, I feel sorrow. So many things have gone wrong or haven’t turned out the way that I wanted them to. I feel like many times when I put a lot of effort into something (or someone) I feel passionate about, things go wrong.

I hate feeling emotional so much, I hate crying on my own so often, and I wish I could fix it. I’m sure people who know me, but don’t know the whole story, think I’ve brought this upon myself. And perhaps that is true. But we have to follow our hearts, we have to be young and stupid and make mistakes and learn and grow. I suppose I will dig myself out of this funk. I told Ravi in an e-mail the other day that I felt like I had gone off the deep end. Well, at least I am a good swimmer.

And I’m not trying to get a pity party, but sometimes it really feels good to say it out in the open and not just in an e-mail to your boyfriend who never responds to your e-mails anyway.

I had  a really nice time drawing and painting and just messing about with my water soluble crayons and oil pastels the other day. It felt great to open my art box up again and just… explore whatever I wanted to.

In other news, I spent this lovely Sunday evening with my friends Lou and Chris. We took Dingo and Scratch (they also have a mini dappled dachshund) to the dogpark and afterwards had a picnic. We were getting ready to leave but noticed the number of dachshunds in the park had tripled since we were in there earlier, so we headed back in stayed another hour to enjoy the lovely weather and let the doggies play. I forgot my camera (doh!), but Chris took a few snaps so hopefully I will post those here soon so you can see Dingo’s brother from another mother. :)

Another post today? OMG.

I was looking at the photos from my dear friend Mollys wedding again just now (they married in July of 07) and I happened across this photo of Ravi and I.

I like it.. :) We are cute.

But uhm, p.s. what the hell is up with my hair? It is SOOO ugly. Why don’t people let me know these things?

And being that I was sitting in Ravi’s lap in public must have meant we were both pretty toasted. And then there was the incident in the Art building (reception was at “Old Main” at the college that both Molly and I graduated from) bathroom too, so. Yeah.

And also: the beautiful (mostly Molly.. haha Jared…) couple.

I want this so bad it hurts.

:(

That is all, carry on my friends.

A photo Ravi took of the Golden Temple in Amritsar

How I wish Ravi’s family didn’t hate me… Wouldn’t it have been amazing if I could have gone along? It looks so beautiful. And I have never been anywhere outside of the US (as Canada and Mexico, in my opinion, don’t count…) I don’t even have a passport! I’m so jealous and probably a little bit bitter that I am sitting here in this festering shit hole and Ravi is running around, care free, having a wonderful time. I suppose we really shouldn’t be jealous of our significant others (if I could even call him that), but well… Let’s face it: I am.

He does get some points though, as I just got off the phone with him about 20 minutes ago and we were able to talk for about 45 minutes. That is our longest conversation since he left for India three weeks ago (exactly.. I’ve been counting.) And that is probably the most stimulating conversation I’ve had in three weeks too. :(

In other news, here are the plush I sent to the Crammed Organisms Show:

photograph Ravi took while frolicking with the Elephants in India

Apparently I can’t be bothered with posting my own photos anymore, and I hate having a blog that is just text.

I am writing to say, I HATE my studio! It is so ugly right now! I need design inspiration! (and money!) I want to make it look nice, even if I am only going to be here for a few more months. Or maybe longer, who knows?

Right now Paneer is sleeping on the bathroom floor and he looks dead. I would take picture, but I am too lazy to find my camera. Dingo and Penny are laying by my feet, dreaming about life before Paneer. (or LBP as we like to call it. A happy, carefree time. )

Today’s goals:

I. Do my laundry. All of it. (I hate going to laundry mats!)

II. Finish making my pieces for the Crammed Organisms Show.

III. Finally get this damn studio clean and organized so I don’t despise it so much!

(This involves scrubbing puppy piss stains from the carpet, so as you can imagine, I am less than enthused. )

Wish me luck.

Today Ravi sent me this photograph from India. It is apparently a Marketplace where part of Bride and Prejudice was filmed. If you don’t know me very well, I am a huge fan of a silly little movie called Bride and Prejudice. Initally I watched it because my most favorite actor, the handsome Naveen Andrews (Sayid from LOST) was in it. I totally fell in love with the music. I think I made Ravi suffer through “Punjabi Wedding Song” like.. 6 times in a row on car rides when I was first obsessed with it. But it is so good! And it is definitely my favorite song to sing when drunk, since it is in Hindi. If you’ve ever seen Bend It Like Beckham, it is by the same director. It was marketed as a Bollywood film in English. Now I haven’t seen so many Bollywood films myself (although, thanks to Kababeque I’ve seen a zillion and a half music videos) and I don’t think it is all that Bollywoody, but even so. And while it totally has elements of the cheese to it, I LOVE IT! <3<3 And I thinks Aishwarya Rai is so purty. If only the movie was about her and Naveen Andrews hooking up, haha!

Whoops, I totally forgot to write and mine and Ravi’s little book club. We spoke on the phone yesterday ( I think I guilt tripped him into calling me… ) and after going over some work stuff that I needed his help with he told me about some books he recently purchased. So I am going to get them as well, and hopefully we will have a little book club since Ravi is now going to be in India until THE FIRST WEEK IN JUNE KILL ME NOW. :(

Anyway, here are the tomes in our list:

 Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri
Maximum City by Suketa Mehta
My Name Is Red by Orhan Pamuk
and
A Short History of Everything by Bill Bryson

Anyway, I also have to say.. Ravi.. you have a D300 and you are taking photos like that? For Shame! The sky is totally blown out. Perhaps that was kind of mean, but here… check out Ravi’s DeviantART… See, he is a great photographer! He knows better. I guess I am kind of mean. EDIT: After further consideration, I think this photo may have been taken with his iphone. If so, well… fine. I will excuse him.

The dogs are driving me insane! Paneer has learned how to escape from our part of the yard and he has taught Dingo how to do it as well. Penny, thankfully, has enough sense to know better. Not exactly sure what I am going to do about this recent development except that I will have to sit outside with the dogs whenever I let them out.

In other news, I wasn’t going to participate in the Crammed Organisms Show because I couldn’t afford the entry fee, but my friend Fred graciously paid it for me ( and I am going to make him a custom plush in return) But that means I will be spending this entire weekend (okay, lets face it… not entire… ) making my pieces for the show because they have to be priority mailed out on Monday to make it there by the May 2nd deadline. Sheesh!

My sad workspace, a plushie in progress, and my pedi… :)

To do tonight:

-Get cupcakes (hopefully!)

-Finish putting together IKEA sewing table

-Rearrange furniture to make space for table

-Finish tripod in progress

-Work on some of the pics I took of my parents dogs

-Clean studio

-Take a shower

-Watch a movie….

:D

These two are commissions I made for my boss.. she wanted them as gifts for her sisters. I am making a HUGE (like 3 foot..) orange puppy just like that one for her too. She wants it for her studio (she’s a photographer.)